Slam Dunk i Coldplay 2023

 SLAM DUNK-28.05.2023

 

my first festival in the uk! and with my best friend!

it was definitely an experience XD first of all, we did NOT expect the fucking queues and it was sotiring to have to queue for EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. the train to leeds was packed with emos and it was so fun XD then, the queue for shuttle bus to get there from the train station was like an hour and a half, meaning that we missed Movements ☹. I had no idea it would take so long, and the organisers didn’t even let us know to expect long queues. we would have set off earlier if we knew, but I doubt that it would change anything either way cause there just weren’t enough buses. when we got finally there, I immediately saw that the place was PACKED. again, I knew it was sold out but I expected much bigger festival grounds. it was hard to walk past people laying on the ground and not stepping on someone accidentally XD we sprinted straight to the other end of the festival to see Holding Absence and they were really good but the set was super short ☹ Also Gels was stood at the back and singing Wilt and Kasia and I were like ‘mooooooom’ XDD

then we (mostly me XD) got hungry and needed a drink so we decided to try and grab something to eat. it looked like there were many vegan places but honestly, the queues were ridiculous and then when we finally got to the front of the queue they told us they sold out of the vegan things ;___; so we waited for another hour at a different place. honestly, with the amount of queuing, we barely got to see anything. how do other people get to see all the bands in such a short period of time? I think it’s cause they just get drunk and don’t eat, which is not something I could do. speaking of, we were completely sober, which was a great experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. the amount of wasted people… yeah, no thanks. anyways I was pretty much passing out at this point from being hungry, thirsty, overwhelmed, my back was hurting too and it was just a nightmare. when we finally got our overpriced mediocre vegan bratwurst, I decided to put my earplugs in cause it was so loud. the stages were all so close to each other so it was impossible to find any quieter area, and I got so overstimulated (also the weather was changing every 5 minutes from sunny and warm to cold and windy). I literally had to lie down, put my hoodie over my eyes and try to block out everything. it was bad. I didn’t know it would all affect me so much, I’m still new to the austism thing and somehow I thought I’d be okay lol XD so the earplugs lowkey saved my life xD Kasia and I called the fest ‘Queue festival’ XD. I really wanted to go to the Holding Absence signing but I really needed to sit down and eat :/

anyways we then managed to get some water and head over to see Paris for a bit, they were really good live actually! then we walked around a bit, caught a bit of The Maine (who were actually great and they let a fan sing with them on stage) and Billy Talent, before queuing AGAIN for some chips before Shikari. The chips were disgustingly salty but then Shikari came on and they were so good! It was nice to see how happy Kasia was seeing them for the first time, and her singing Labyrinth was so cool hahah. Also the production was actually insane, once again they put on a great show with cool visuals and effects and stuff, it was so incredible! we were stood next to a cool couple of people who were singing and dancing so it was cute hahah. also we didn’t get into the mosh pits as I am fresh out of top surgery (luckily nobody bumped into be or hurt me but there was one guy who pushed me when walking past for no reason?????)

oh yeah, there was drama between this one girl who cut into the cue and a woman in front of her, it was wild. they were both so vicious xd

when shikari was playing their last song we decided to leave to try to get to the shuttle buses and there were fireworks! but surprise surprise, there was a long-ass queue again full of drunk people, it was hell, we waited for an hour and a half to get on the bus, by which time the last train would have already left leeds. when we got to the station it turned out that the train had been cancelled anyway lol, so we had to wait till 1am for a megabus (thank god there was one) back to Manchester. by the time we got home we were exhausted lol. we’re getting old now I think. when I was younger I never gave a shit about stuff like ‘what will I eat there?’ or ‘how much sleep will I get?’ but my body is no longer doing so well so now I have to make sure I don’t pass out from hunger and get enough sleep or I will be sick and will need to be off work. it’s wild cause on one hand I don’t feel that old (and there were deffo people older than us, even with kids) but on the other my body says otherwise. I think it’s cause I never cared about whether or not im healthy but now I have to care about it cause otherwise I’ll end up really sick (thanks shitty immune system :/)

as for the event, I agree with everyone who felt it was oversold, overcrowded, lacked facilities and was generally chaos. I thought it was just me, seeing as it was my first uk festival, but yeah it was rubbish. we barely got to see some bands amidst the queues. there were more bars than food tbh (which honestly, uk’s normalisation of alcohol is crazy). it was definitely a unique experience, but I don’t think I will be doing that festival, or in fact any festival, again (at least not soon). I just think it was all a bit much for me, maybe it’s time to accept that I cannot do these things anymore cause I get tired and overwhelmed way easier now than before. also yeah, im autistic as fuck and not having a quieter/chill place to just sit for a bit was really difficult. and here I was thinking I could do download with camping for 4 days….XD lmao. maybe 10 years ago, not now. which sucks, but it’s just what it is now.

and now the good things: the weather was actually okay, could have been way worse tbh. it was nice when it was sunny and with gentle breeze. also the view over the green hills and trees was lovely. in fact, the entire area was in bloom and it was so nice! also the moon looked great at night! we were joking that the whole thing looked like an English Warped Tour (not like we have ever been but yeah xd). the bands we did get to see were awesome and the audio/visual production was really good as well. and I saw a friend from work in the queue so that was cool. by far the best thing was having my best friend Kasia with me, I would not have been able to make it on my own FOR SURE. she flew all the way from Poland to see me and go with me and it was amazing to share this experience with her. running at night singing Dreamer’s Hotel while the moon was above us has formed a core memory <3.

 

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 COLDPLAY-03.06.2023

so yesterday I saw Coldplay for the first time and it was honestly such an amazing experience! I got the ticket completely by chance, I had been checking Twickets for a long time and could never get any that was face-value, then I refreshed it a couple of times and someone was selling their ticket for £77 on the upper tier of seats, so of course I grabbed it and I managed to get it, 2 days before the show! The lady who had been selling the ticket said that she couldn’t travel anymore as it was her nephew’s christening the next day. So I texted her saying I hope it goes well and everything, she was really nice.

On Saturday, I got to the Etihad Stadium atabout5.30pm. I thought there would be massive queues to the entrance, but there was only a queue to the merch stand. I checked out some shirts but they were like £40, so I decided not to buy any. I might still get them online with the discount code (more on that later). I checked out where to go and what the view is from my seat in advance online, so I headed towards the turnstile. It was strange, I’d never been to a stadium before so the entry was weird, with these huge round towers and revolving turnstiles. I was given a light-up bracelet on entry, and complimented on my eyeliner (I didn’t have any glitter so I painted the gay flag on my one eye and the trans colours on the other). I scanned my ticket and walked up this round tower thingy to the very top sector.

There were bars and food vendors inside, kind of below the seats, which was cool. I got a vegan hot dog and a re-fillable water bottle (I forgot to bring my own bottle but the water re-fill was free). Then I headed to my seat and looked at the view. It was unlike anything I’ve seen before. Somehow, it felt both huge and tiny, probably due to the perspective. So many people gathered on a beautiful sunny afternoon in June in celebration of music. There were so many elements of production: giant circular screens on both side of the stage, a runway that ended with a smaller circular stage, a completely separate stage in the middle of the pit and, probably the most interesting bits, the bicycles and kinetic stage. They are part of Coldplay’s sustainability efforts, something I had no idea they were even doing and read about while listening to the support acts. Basically, the bikes and floor can transform kinetic energy into electricity to power the smaller stage at the next show! And there were loads of people using them, even during the supports 😊

The first support act was Porij, and they were decent but didn’t grab me that much. They were basically The XX on a budget XD Later I found out that the singer uses they/them pronouns and they are based in Manchester, which is pretty neat. Still, it was giving me kind of sleepy vibes. Not to mention it was an absolutely stunning summer afternoon, with the sun setting directly opposite from where I was sitting, so it was so chill. I was in the section that had a bit of a roof so it gave us shade, which was great.

During the intervals in-between supports, the screens were showing the sustainability efforts of Coldplay, and I found out that they support Sea Shepherd, how cool is that? Also, each ticket sold on this tour was equal to one planed tree, which is amazing as well. Sure, I heard that the tour was not as sustainable as they hoped for, but at least they’re doing something. How many bands with a global audience can say the same? They even had a whole app dedicated to finding out more about sustainability, which I downloaded and played with for a while. They were gathering info about how people got to the show, so I chose public transport and I got a 10% discount off merch, which is nice. I also found out that they partnered with an organisation that provides sensory bags and sensory spaces to autistic people, and that Coldplay also has a sign interpreter. How fucking amazing is that!

Next up were Chvrches, who I really like but I’m sad to say that the singer gave us nothing. It was like she had no energy, which maybe was true as it was the 3^rd Manchester show, in full sun and heat. Either way, she didn’t move on the stage much and her interaction with the crowd was minimal. Still, she sounded really good. I think I was the only one in my section who knew who they were xD. There was an older couple sat next to me, and later on a mum with her 2 kids joined on the other side.

The show was running a bit late, so I got time to appreciate the setting sun, the good vibe, the set design and the way the bass vibrated in my chest even on the highest tier. There was a gentle breeze that kept us cool. We did stadium waves, which was so cool to see! Finally, at about 9pm, Coldplay came out.

Chris was a volcano of energy, greeted the crowd, even addressed all of us at the top of the stadium. Later on in the set, he also read out some of the signs that people were holding up, including one that said ‘I’m free from domestic abuse’, which he said well done for and the whole stadium cheered! It was so good. People were loud as hell, singing and chanting, and Chris kept saying how amazing and perfect we sounded and thanking everyone for coming. It truly made me feel welcome, like I was a part of something and that I mattered as audience. He even wished some people happy birthday 😊

They played some of the most iconic songs that sounded absolutely stunning. I thought the sound would be bad in the stadium but it was really great. All of it was made ten times more exciting with the bracelets: they kept flashing different colours and creating amazing effects in the whole audience. Speaking of effects, they literally had everything: confetti, pyro, fireworks, lasers, LED lights, huge balloons that were made to look like the planets from their album (that the audience could bounce around), and even larger balloons that were lit up from the inside. It was the best production I have ever seen!

They played classics like Fix You, The Scientist, Paradise, Yellow, Clocks (!!!! I l remember being obsessed with this song in high school), as well as some of their new stuff, which I had never heard before but I’m a fan of now, like People of the Pride and Humankind. Chris was holding the pride flag, and it reminded me that it is now Pride month, and I am post-surgery, and honestly it feels so incredible.

During one bit, Chris took a young fan on stage and together they sang one of their oldest songs ever, A Rush of Blood to The Head, from 2002!! The lad looked so happy and when he sang, the whole stadium cheered. What a moment.

Chris also talked about how a talent scout from Manchester was responsible for finding them and putting them on the right path, after they played a show ‘to three people’ in Manchester in 1998. During A Sky Full of Stars, he restarted the song and asked everyone to please put the phones away to be able to connect with us more on a personal level and to see ‘how beautiful we all are’. It was sweet. Also, Chris later on performed one song in sign language!

At the end, during the encore, they brought out Tim Booth from the band James, and sang Sit Down 😊. The stadium was so so loud!

The energy in that stadium was on another level, it felt almost cosmic. At one point, Chris asked us all to send out this energy to war-stricken countries and to our loved ones, and then the fireworks went off, and it was glorious.

When heading back to the tram, people were still singing Viva La Vida, and the full Strawberry moon was visible low on the horizon and bright as day. It was so glorious.

I need to give a shout out to the crowd management of the evening. Everything went much more smoothly than I expected, especially after the disaster that was Slam Dunk. Within 15-20 minutes I was already on the tram back, albeit packed. The roads around the stadium were closed for pedestrian access and trams were running frequently, with security letting only a number of people to the platform at one time to prevent congestion. Overall, a 10/10 event, I truly couldn’t ask for a better show, maybe apart from being there with my friends instead of alone. Still, I’m super grateful and glad I came, and it was worth all the money 😊

PS.  I just found out that Coldplay used Jon Hopkin’s music in the intro and had previously used samples from his songs, how cool.

 

 

 

10 years of heartache

Dzisiaj mija 10 lat od rozpadu MCR. 10 lat odkąd moje życie diametralnie się zmieniło. Doskonale pamiętam to czucie, keidy przeczytałem o ich rozpadzie. Bezsilność, rozpacz, katatonia...Pamiętam, że myślałęm, że ich już nigdy nie zobaczę na żywo, że jedno z moich największych marzeń nigdy się nie spełni. 

A dziś MCR znów jest zespołem, i widziałem ich już 2 razy w zeszłym roku.

Nie wiem, czy są słowa by opisać to, jak wiele to dla mnie znaczy. Jak bardzo ten zespół zmienił - i uratował - moje życie. Jak bardzo wciąż je ratuje.

Gdyby nie MCR, nie poznałbym tak wielu osób, moich serdecznych przyjaciół. Nie miałbym przede wszystkim Kasi, która przylatuje do mnie zająć się mną po top surgery (tak! Po ponad 4 latach na liście oczekujących WRESZCIE mam topkę, 13-tego kwietnia!). 

Szczególnie rozwala mnie fakt, że Frank miał poważny wypadek, podczas którego mógł umrzeć, a dziś jest tutaj nadal, gra w 2 zespołach ze swoimi przyjaciółmi, i mimo wszystkich jego problemów, he's living his best life. Frank w ostatnim czasie stał się moim idolem i wzorcem na to, że ze wszystkiego można się podnieść. Dzielimy razem dużo doświadczeń i podobnych problemów. Kiedyś to Gee był moim wzorcem, a teraz jestnim również Frank. Myślę, że od zawsze w pewien sposób utożsamiałem się z Frankiem, już od dzieciaka. 

Wracając do topki, to jestem niesamowicie podjarany ale też nieziemsko wkurwiony na całą sytuację. Long story short, nie mam tutaj nikogo, kto mógłby się mną zająć, a tym bardziej mnie zawieźć. Ludzie, któzy kiedyś zarzekali się i obiecywali, że mi pomogą, nagle się rozpłynęli (albo, jak w przypadku R., po prostu mają mnie głęboko w dupie). No więc jestem niesamowicie samotny, i z tego powodu musiałem poprosić Kasię, by przyleciała się mną zająć. Problem jest jednak taki, że parę tygodni temu przełożyli mi datę operacji, przez co musiałem od nowa bukować jej loty, co kosztowało mnie dodatkowe 140 funtów... :/

Do tego rodzice nie są zbytnio wspierający. Owszem, akceptują mnie, ale nawet nie pytają o podstawowe rzeczy związane z operacją. Jest to w chuj demotywujące, to tak jakby im w ogólnie nie zależało na mnie ani moim szczęściu. Matka jedynie się martwi, co mi nie pomaga.

Robię dobrą minę do złej gry. Mówię wszystkim, że jest ok, ale tak naprawdę nie jest, i nawet nie mam komu się o tym wygadać bo nie chcę nikogo martwić. Jestem tak bardzo zestresowany ostatnio, że mam alergie i wszystko mnie boli. Bardzo się boję, bo nie wiem jak wrócę z tej operacji. Alternatywą jest wynajęcie mieszkania na tydzień, do wyjęcia drenów, ale to kolejne koszty których w tym momencie nie mogę udźwignąć. Nie wspominając już nawet o gigantycznej inflacji, rosnących cenach jedzenia i prądu (dostaliśmy rachunek na 1000 funtów...). No i oczywiście kryzys mieszkaniowym dosłownie nie ma na rynku żadnych mieszkań, na które byłoby mnie stać. Nawet kawalerki kosztują tyle, ile 2-pokojowe mieszkanie, a do tego trzeba zarabiać powyżej 25k rocznie (lol, ja mam w tym momencie 20k i to tylko dlatego że dali mi małą podwyżkę. Będę się jeszcze wykłócał, bo to jest żenada, że nie zarabiam nawet tak dużo jak inni junior designers w Manchesterze z o wiele mniejszym doświadczeniem i obowiązkami...)

Nigdy nie czułem się tak samotny jak teraz. Zupełnie nie mam na kogo liczyć. Niby mam znajomych z pracy czy w Polsce, ale jak przychodzi co do czego to nikt nie jest w stanie pomóc mi kiedy tej pomocy potrzebuję najbardziej. Cieszę się jedynie, że mam Kasię. Naprawdę nie wiem co bym zrobił bez niej.

Z tego wszystkiego nie czuję się ani jakoś świątecznie z powodu Ostary/przesilenia, ani szczęśliwy z powodu bycia już 4 lata na testosteronie. Jestem po prostu zmęczony i rozjebany. Nie mam na nic siły i coraz częściej myślę sobie, że naprawdę ten świat jest spierdolony i mam ochotę się zajebać. Szczególnie w tym kraju, tutaj dzieje się tylko coraz gorzej. Myślę, że niedługo będę chciał się przeprowadzić - tylko gdzie?

Napisałem tesmatent w razie czego przed operacją: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10eLwgUUPO-uW_7PSGrVX6WIx_xGLYVZjvZKepT6Cnpw/edit#

 

 *****

 

 

sunshine came and went

hid behind the clouds

nothing good can ever last

underneath the english sky

i saw the desperation

when i looked into your eyes

they were heavy and grey

just like the english sky

Emo Sylwester 2022

 Zaprosiłem całą masę emosów z koncertu na Sylwestra u taty w studio i była to jedna z najzajebistszych rzeczy, jakie zrobiłem w tym roku :D. 

Tak naprawdę zacząłem planować i ogarniać tę imprezę jakoś od wakacji XD. Wszyscy móili, że jest mega wcześnie, ale ja wiedziałem, że z moim autyzmem i ekipą z całej Polski muszę zacząć wcześnie. Teraz cieszę się, że to zrobiłem i że byłem taki zorganizowany, bo to naprawdę pomogło.

30-stego przyjechała do mnie Kasia i połaziliśmy po Gnieźnie, a rano pomagała mi wszystko zawozić i sprzątać w studio :). Wstawiliśmy stół i krzesła, powiesiliśmy lampki i dyskotekowe światła, załatwiliśmy ludziom spanie i nawet zrobiłem takie małe pierdoły, jak tabliczki z kategoriami diety na jedzenie i naklejki z imionami i zaimkami. Rainy potem powiedziałx, że super to wszystko zorganizowałem. chciałem po prostu być dobrym hostem i sprawić, by każdy czuł się super. 

Przyznam, że martwiłem się tą imprezą. Już jak robiłem ludziom prezenty (hand-made t-shirty z MCR i LS Dunes) zastanawiałem się, czy nie robię tego tylko z własnego poczuci nieadektwatności. To prawda, że czuję się niewystarczający bardzo często i dlatego robię wszystko, by ludzie mnie lubili. Kasia mi to wypomina cały czas, ale ma rację. Boję się zostać sam, boję się być znów opuszczony, dlatego tak bardzo troszczę się o innych, zupełnie zapominając o sobie. 

Okazało się jednak, że niepotrzebnie się stresowałem, bo ludziom się bardzo podobało, nawet mimo dość ascwetycznych warunków (jak na Woodstocku lol), z prowizoryczną łazienką i w opuszczonym budynku. Ludzie zaczęli się zjeżdżać koło 17-18 i na początku pokazałem wszystkim, jak korzystać z kempingowej toalety, co było awkward ale śmieszne. Potem poszliśmy do Biedronki i śmiałem się, że lokalny gang emosów zleciał się do tej jednej Biedry jak szczury. Swoją drogą, podobno w Gnieźnie jest teraz plaga szczurów, seems fair XD.

 

Po powrocie ze sklepu zaczęły się tańce, rozmowy, jedzenie, wygłupy. Graliśmy też w Cards Against Humanity - MCR edition, co było tak śmieszne, że wszyscy wyli XD. Leciały tam takie złote teksty i bardzo się cieszyłem, że wszystkim się podobały. Potem oprowadziłem ekipę po budynku i było creepy :D. Typowe emosy, bawią się w ruinach XD. Mara robiła zdjęcia aparatem i wyszły super, mają taki extra klimat. 

O północy poszliśmy na dwór na parking odpalić zimne ognie i wypić szampana (nazywał się Michel ale my na niego mówiliśmy Michael Romance XD) i było świetnie. Dzwoniłem też do Zo i Mary z życzeniami :).

 

Kamila z Matim wkrótce potem się zabrali, a reszcie też się chciało trochę spać, więc powoli zaczęliśmy ściszać muzę (leciało emo i stare hity). Ja odpadłem jakoś koło 3-4, choć nie mogłem spać bo mnie nakurwiała ręka i się trzęsłem. Potem okazało się, że Roksa też, więc albo nas dopadło zatrucie alkoholowe po tym szampanie albo alergia. W każdym razie noc była ciężka, budziłem się co chwilę, było duszno i w ogóle, ale rano jak wstałem i się najadłem to było mi trochę lepiej. Swoją drogą, było dużo dobrego jedzenia :D.

 

Rano poszedłem na stację do łazienki i to była świetna decyzja XD. Jak dobrze mieć bieżącą wodę XD. Potem poszliśmy jeszcze raz, tym razem z większą ekipą, i kupiliśmy też jakieś jedzenie. Pani na stacji była mega kochana <3. W ogóle wyglądaliśmy jak takie dzieci z Dworca Zoo albo z jakiegoś handlu ludźmi, które wypadły z naczepy i się ekscytują bieżącą wodą XD. Budziły nas drące pizdę gołębie na górze, co też było mega zabawne.

Ludziom bardzo spodobały się te koszulki, które dla nich zrobiłem, co mnie mega cieszy. Koło 17 ludzie się zbierali już, a Kasia pojechała do mnie do domu jeszcze na jedną noc. Następnego dnia sprzątałem w studio bo jebało menelem i piwnicą XD. 

 

Dawno się aż tak nie śmiałem, dosłownie wyliśmy tam z niektórych historii (np. o kumplu Mary, który lunatykował). Poza tym cieszę się, że mimo picia nie zrobiłem nic totalnie głupiego i odklejonego. Wszyscy byli mega kochani, nie było żadnych spin ani dram. Po prostu impreza idealna <3.

Osoby obecne: Kasia, Silver, Darsa, Tommy, Rainy, Mara, Roksa, Kamila, Mati. Osoby zaproszone dodatkowe: Mary, Zo.

I'm not all my mistakes - podsumowanie 2022

 Hey kiddo,

This year (2022) has been one hell of a ride. First of all, you finally got to see MCR live and not once but twice! And the concert in Warsaw truly did change your life, from meeting new people to renewing friendships with old friends. You also came back to Twitter and met some lovely people there. But you've been lonely in Manchester, so I hope in 2023 you manage to meet more IRL friends, maybe go back to volunteering or something? You met Kasia though, and that was awesome, though she did have a crush on you which made things a bit complicated (you managed to sort it out though). You got many new tattoos, heard a new MCR song, spent Xmas in Poland, went to Rome in April and worked full time with Bauer - how cool is that!? Lots of good things happened this year, but also a few sad moments, such as getting Covid :(. In positives, you had your first appointment with the surgeon for top surgery, so I hope in 2023 you'll get that off your chest finally ;). But first, you need to finish your apprenticeship.

I'm proud of you, of myself. This year was incredibly good, it feels like the best year in my entire life. I'm so happy that I managed to overcome all the shit in the past so that now I can have a semi-peaceful life. It's still not easy: there is a massive economic crisis, the prices are insane, energy is expensive, inflation is high. The war in Ukraine is still going and it feels like living through the end of the world. But I'm surviving. I'm existing in major historical events. I'm trying to smile and love in the age of great hate, extinction and despair.

Also, Marta contacted me and she wants to meet cause she broke up with her boyfriend and idk what to make of it. It's weird and confusing. I hope this situation clears up. Rue barely talks to me anymore and wants to move out, so maybe Kasia will live with me in 2023.

I hope in 2023 you find love and friendship, true friendship that will lift you up and make you feel less lonely. It's been so so lonely lately.

I hope MCR releases a new song or even an album, and that they tour again. I hope I get to see my Polish friends some more and go to gigs and carry on in my job. I hope I continue saving for the tiny house and developing myself as a person. I feel like I've come leaps and bounds in my personal growth, I understand myself and my emotions better each day. For example, it turns out I'm austistic and ADHD-who knew? XD I also hope to sign up for therapy and read more and meet new people and travel.

I love you kid. In case noody tells you this. I'm proud of how far we've come, that we didn't give up, that we are still here and becoming the man we always wanted to be.

Keep the faith, xoxo Kyle

MCR gig: The fucking shades will open and the sunlight will come in.

So I went to my first MCR gig on the 27.05.2022, and I don’t even know where to start describing how it felt. I don’t think I have enough words to properly say what this gig and this band mean to me.

The night before the gig I couldn’t sleep and someone was hosting a twitter ‘spaces’ about Unholyverse, so I decided to join and got talking with a few people. It was nice but very surreal, felt like a podcast about Frerard fanfiction, but with other people also talking. Kinda of like a group chat for strangers on twitter xD. In fact, this tour we got so much Frerard content and not the hate that we used to get before because even Gee and Frank joked about it and acknowledged it.

Before the gig, I was added to a group chat on twitter of other people going to the show and we were planning to meet up in the queue but we couldn’t all co-ordinate, so I felt quite sad that I would be there on my own. Then, on the train full of emos, I met Izzy and Katie and we randomly started talking. It was so nice, they both felt so familiar, like we’ve known each other for ages. That only ever happens to me with MCR fans, it’s like we have this instant connection and I can trust them and know that they will probably relate to a lot of my life. After all, MCR literally saved tons of people’s lives. So I joined them and we took an uber to the park and walked to the back of the queue. The queue was so strange – in the middle of the park, surrounded by bushes, grass and trees, a line of emos looking like they’re camping out on a day trip or something. A cute guy on the way told me I looked awesome (I was wearing a skeleton onesie, red tie and red eyeshadow + my hand-made denim jacket and the black over-the-shoulder bag from high-school lmao). It made my day. Then I fell into some bushes in the narrow path and I still have cuts from the thorns, classic. I joked that this is probably the most nature that us emos have had for a long time. We go outside one time but only to go see MCR XD.

Then we sat in the back of the queue and talked. The queue in front of us must have been around 400+ people cause we arrived at around 3.30pm. I wanted to go get a Monster can but decided not to cause the walk was quite far to the shop and we were apparently going to be let in at 4.30pm, so no point really. Then me and Katie talked about our catholic upbringing, coming out, pronouns, religion, trauma etc. It felt so strange to feel so close to someone I just met. Both Izzy and Katie had self-harm scars on their forearms, but I never got round to asking them about that. In the end, I didn’t manage to mee anyone from the twitter group chat in the queue but it was okay cause I wasn’t alone. Behind us, there were these 3 guys completely high on ket or something and acting crazy, yelling, being rowdy. I felt uneasy about them but Izzy was very tough and said she’d protect us XD. Then we were starting to move in and it went very smoothly, in just a few minutes we were inside.

The venue was literally just a grass meadow in the park, and it was set up for the upcoming festival so it had lots of food stalls, multiple bars and merch stands, and a few theme park rides XD. It felt like a mini Coachella and reminded me of Opener. We immediately queued up for the merch and I got the Castle t-shirt (it is an old design from around Revenge era I think, and it makes me so emotional, but I will write about it later). It was so awesome to see all these people, young and older, looking like they wanted to, swarming this park and poor old Warrington (which is a total shithole just as expected). I reckon the residents have never seen anything like that XD.

After we got merch we went to the porta-potties (which was quite an experience lol) and I got some water and we pretty much sprinted to the pit, which was already beginning to crowd up. We stood near the back of the crowd, with about 10 rows of people in front of us. It was fine for me, though I usually prefer standing on the sides but it was hard to get through people once we got in the crowd so we decided to stay. I went to get a Red Bull can and managed to come back.

The first support act were Crawlers, who I’d not heard of before but they were so good. Almost all female and the vocalist reminded me of Billie Eilish but with a voice of Hayley Williams. They were awesome. Around that time, we got sick of the dudes behind us – they were the ones from the queue. They were yelling and just being annoying, so when Crawlers finished we moved to the side a little bit and that’s where we met Nathan and Karl, two 19-year-old cishet guys who were really nice and not toxic at all. Nathan said he liked my trans flag which I was wearing like a cape. In fact, quite a few people came up to me to say they liked my flag or the way I looked, which felt so awesome. I saw some other people having gay, pan and trans flags in the crowd and it made me feel safe. I knew that most of the crowd were allies or queer people and just this freedom to be myself was great. Nathan seemed very supportive of me, kept saying how I should ‘do me’ and later on he also got a red eye-shadow from someone in the pit XD.

The next act were Starcrawler, and tbh they were fine but felt very much like a recycled version of Hole + the Pretty Reckless. The singer was this skinny blonde girl with dark eye-shadow and the stringy fringe covering half her face, and she was an ok singer but nothing spectacular. The band was dressed like a mix of grunge and Sex Pistols XD. She had a few moments where her nipple was visible but nobody made a thing out of it, not even the boys, and she had this ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude which was awesome. Apparently, they’re one of Gerard’s favourite bands lol.

On the playlist in-between support acts they were playing emo classics like FOB and Panic but also Vengaboys and Holding Absence, which was cool. The crowd overall seemed great apart from a few people pushing in front of us or starting a pit right where we were. I didn’t want to get into the mosh – I had a bag and my glasses and I was sore already xd. At one point, we looked back behind us and realised the entire venue was full, there were people literally all the way to the back gate! It was crazy cause we didn’t even notice that we weren’t at the back anymore. Someone in the pit blew up some condoms like balloons and they floated around. Some other people also had the Gerardboard (a cardboard cut-out of Gerard).

Then Frank Turner came on and he sounded like a punk-rock Elvis, similar to the Homeless Gospel Choir. It was very much ‘middle aged white dads playing punk’ and he even had a song about not growing up, of course. They were good and very interactive with the audience, they had banter but the music didn’t really grab me as much as Crawlers. I guess it’s hard to compete with MCR. At that point people kind of squeezed to the front more but also more guys were pushing in front of us for the mosh. This one dude even crowdsurfed and we were all angry about it cause apparently he was vomiting while crowd surfing :/ I had heard stories of people throwing up or even peeing in the pit, gross. But anyway Frank Turner finished and then the wait began. After a while, people started chanting ‘MCR’ and ‘Fuck the Tories’ XD. And then the audio came on for like 5 minutes, this weird, distorted buzz, and then MCR came on stage.

Everyone immediately sang The Foundations of Decay and I was just in disbelief of how good the band looked and sounded. Gee wasn’t wearing any crazy outfits, just a pair of jeans and a jacket, but he looked so good and happy. They all looked so damn happy!

Gee kept calling us Manchester, before the crowd chanted Warrington and he was like ‘Who even knows about Warrington, Manchester is right there! I even wrote it on the drum…’ and he did, he wrote I <3 MCR on the kick drum. I feel like it made sense since in the States, you’d probably call a town LA or New York, even if it’s miles away, for convenience.

Then they played NaNaNa and the crowd went crazy, it was great. A few songs later they played ‘The only hope for me is you’ and that’s where I cried for the first time. Before this song, I was just screaming and laughing, but then this one hit me because I thought of Marta and the fanfics I used to write based on this song, and how we both listened to Danger Days and now we barely speak anymore. It just felt so strange, I felt happy but like someone or something was missing.

Gee looked so happy, he was smiling all the time, he even got a hug from Ray which was so cute, and he went on these little rambles about having a mic with a cable, or that they went shopping for clothes XD. Gee said he remembers that their first headlining gig in the UK was in the Day and Night café in Manchester, which still exists now and is great. He said that only a few people in the States ‘got them’ as a band, but in the UK people just got them and that he owes a lot to the UK. As an ‘adoptive’ Mancunian this made me so happy. He also said that this tour is the first one where they genuinely just have fun, and each concert is better than the last one, and it was just so cute. It was all that I could have hoped for, but nothing that I imagined. I can’t explain it. Part of me will still miss the old NJ vibe back when they were just some local band playing in shady small bars, even though I never got to experience it. Somehow, I just have this close connection to that time. On the other hand, though, seeing them so happy, just vibing like a few friends on stage, and still sounding so great – this is honestly more than I could ever wish for, so maybe it makes sense that I’m only seeing them now, maybe it was meant to be this way.

Gee was talking a lot about random things like having a mic with a cable and how it's a trip hazard, and he had his notebook (to write playlist in? Idk) On WTTBP everyone sang so loudly and beautifully, I felt like I was part of something so special and bigger than any of us alone. 25 thousand kids singing out these words from the heart, sending them to the universe, connected like one heartbeat. It was so majestic.

Then Teenagers came on and Gee said he dedicated it to Bandit whose 13^th birthday it was. At some point during the set, the black curtain in the back fell down revealing a set that looked like a dilapidated city, with a broken car and also balloons on either side (probably because of Bandit lol).

I cried again during Summertime, again because of missing Marta and my high school years. I was just thinking about how much everything has changed and obviously I’m happy I’m not in Poland anymore, but it just feels so crazy and surreal.

We met another person in the crowd called Emma and she lost her friend so she held up a photo of her, which was very sweet. Emma said she had seen MCR a few times, including around the Revenge era, so jealous! Emma also comforted me and I comforted her during the show. Helena and Mama were so epic, everyone sang and it felt so special. Then S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W came on and I cried again. I looked up at the sky: the sun setting, the clouds dispersing and planes flying high, and I thought of my childhood and teenage years and all the people I’ve lot along the way. It felt so surreal: on one hand I was seeing my favourite band after all these years, but on the other I still felt lonely, like nothing has changed, even though I’ve managed to escape my shitty hometown. Emma, Izzy and Katie were all checking if I was okay, and I was, but I was just crying out of the pure shock and nostalgia combined.

Before Famous Last Words, Gee did a speech about how they’re so happy to be a band again, and that for the first time ever they are just happy to play on stage, they don’t have to worry about impressing people or sounding perfect. He also said that before, he used to hate hotels, he would sit in the dark cold hotel room and miss his family and be miserable but not on this tour, and he actually opened the blinds to let the sun in. He said ‘and the fucking shades will open and the sunlight will come in’ and it stuck with me, I think I want a tattoo of it.

They played Cancer and I was just stood there in awe of Gerard who looked so angelic. The last song was I’m Not Okay and people went crazy again, singing at the top of their lungs. I took cool photos of the sunset and Gee on the LCD screen.

So many people came up to me to say they liked my trans flag, and I even saw a few other trans flags and a pan flag, and it felt so awesome to just be myself and be not only accepted but celebrated. I honestly loved the crowd, although there were some dicks who pushed and were overall buzz killers. I also heard after the gig that some people were fucking pissing in the pit!??? Gross. No wonder I don’t do festivals.

After the gig, we all headed out of the park and it looked like an actual Black Parade: tonnes of emos walking down a dual carriageway at night, it was a sight to see. Also there was the smell of cut grass in the air and it felt very whimsical, like a dream sequence. We were all complaining how achey we were, literally all the fans I’ve spoken to have had back/joints problems, or are chronically ill. What a mood. Actually, I remember that a few of the support acts and then Gee himself have mentioned stuff like ‘if you are physically able to then jump’ so it felt so good that disabled/chronically ill people were recognised.

Also, Nathan got so happy when I managed to get back to them (I had to go get some water) and then he held my hand??? And then when we were saying goodbye he hugged me? It was so cute. I like to think I gayed him up a little bit XDDD. We were just walking together but then I had to go to the station and my group went the other way. And this is where the shit show began. The transport was fucking horrible, fucking shitty small towns. The first train I managed to get to was already full cause it only had 2 carriages, are you kidding me? And I paid for the ticket too :/. So they told us to go to the other train station to get the other train, so I did but then they said that train was full too and that there would be replacement coaches arriving. So we stood there waiting, but then they said they found some space on the train so we all sprinted to it. It was absolutely packed but somehow I made it on. I got home about 1.30am and tweeted for a bit cause I couldn’t sleep, my ears were ringing and my heart was pounding. I managed to get Katie’s number before so I texted her and she texted back which was nice.

On Saturday, I looked at the t-shirt I got: the old Castle design saying ‘My Chemical Romance, Newark, NJ, est 2002’ and I started sobbing. The fact that this band from New Jersey, a place I've never been to, who started out in some shitty bars, and got ridiculed by the media, feels so close to me, like I've somehow lived that story. In a way, I did. It’s so hard to explain but I feel like these daydreams I have of seeing them perform during the Bullets/Revenge era are literally like memories to me. I wish I was born 10 years earlier, just so that I would experience these times as a teenager. Maybe it’s all the fanfics mixed with nostalgia but Newark feels so close to me and it makes me feel weird, conflicting emotions. Maybe it’s the fact that they, like me, started out in a shitty town and escaped. Saturday was pretty much a write-off day for me, I just felt like the last month just collapsed on me: all the tiredness, insomnia, overworking. Also my voice was gone like halfway through the gig and I couldn’t even speak much after.

It's been so great lately to be active on twitter again and have a community, lots of new people followed me and we all just chat about the shows. It’s so much better than seeing the transphobia or horrible world news and I even signed back in to tumblr again. I feel like a teenager again, re-living the experiences I should have had when I was young.

So many people now are tweeting about Frerard and even Gee and Frank acknowledged it and made fun of it and it just feels surreal cause a few years ago we were being bullied and hated for shipping frerard. I think it has a lot to do with the fans being a bit older now but also the internet culture is more sarcastic and meme-y. there are so many shitposts and R18 takes about this tour, it’s hilarious. The Manchester Evening News even wrote about the gig, which is funny cause a few years ago the press was all saying how we are satanists or a crazy cult XD.

But I’m also scared. The post-concert depression kicked in super fast, the entire Saturday I was just napping, crying and eating cause I was so physically sore and mentally drained. It felt like a religious, life-changing experience, and it was. But now what? I keep thinking that I’m only holding on to the next show in Warsaw, but after that: what do I hold on to? What do I dream of? How am I supposed to live now that my biggest dream has come true? I thought I’d somehow feel different, happier, but the afterglow of the show gave way to heart-wrenching longing. I miss them so fucking much already, I really wanna cry.

It feels strange now to just go back to the mundane, to work and all the other stuff, how am I supposed to after such an experience? I feel like I would probably just ditch anything and follow this band anywhere if I had the chance. It’s also hard to process that they are still the same people, the same emo boys from LOTMS and Bullets era, and I got to see them.

The one worry that I had was that seeing them now, as opposed to the more theatrical eras, was somehow going to be slightly disappointing, but it was anything but. I truly loved seeing them all so casual, happy and talkative, and I didn’t care that they weren’t putting on a theatrical show. Gee was so interactive and funny and weird, I loved to see that.

Seeing MCR tomorrow!!!

Dear Frank, Ray, Mikey and Gerard.

Thank you for saving my life.

I know you probably hear it so often that it might not mean much anymore.

But I just want you to know how happy I am to still be alive now, at 25 years old, and to be able to see you live for the first time.

When I was a teenager, I couldn’t have imagined all the crazy, beautiful, sad, heart-breaking, wonderful things that my future would bring. The friends I made and lost along the way, and the fact that I could transition and live life as my authentic self.

I just didn’t think any of this was possible, and I nearly gave up on my life and myself.

So from the bottom of my emo little heart, thank you. You gave me a reason to fight for myself, to make something of myself, and you gave me the community of misfits that somehow belong together. You have me hope and strength when I needed it the most, when I had no one else around me.

My Chemical Romance has always been more than a band, and I can’t put it into words how happy I am that you’re back. After so many years of bullying, depression, family trauma and thinking I’d never escape my dead-end town, I’m finally here: better than ever, and able to make my biggest dream come true.

But I won’t lie to you, I’m scared. I found that some dreams are the best when they remain out of reach. The teenage me thought he had no future, and so he never dared to dream. Now, dreams are the thing that helps me build my future, they’re the hope that keeps me going.

So when I get to see you perform tomorrow - what then? Will I be able to find another unrealistic, grandiose thing to hold on to? Will I feel happy or disappointed? I’m scared because my heart is still fragile, and I know that everything changes, and maybe I’m just going to have to keep looking for that thing that makes me feel like I’m finally complete. Even though I know it doesn’t exist.

There’s so many unknowns right now, and the world is a terrifying place. In a way, I made my peace with it, and with this constant struggle called life. My Chemical Romance has always been there for me, and it taught me how to turn my suffering into strength.

Love forever,

K.

 

26/05/2022 - one day before the concert in Warrington UK

MCR RELEASED A NEW SONG!

Nie wierze, ze wlasnie to pisze ale My Chemical Romance wypuscili nowa piosenke pierwszy raz od ich rozpadu w 2012...w piatek trzynastego. Kompletnie bez zadnych zapowiedzi.

Mialem tak chujowy nastroj ostatnio. W pracy jest zapierdol i do tego mam problemy ze zdrowiem (cos z watroba jest nie tak). A tu nagle taka informacja.

Nawet jeszcze nie odsluchalem tej piosenki. Troche sie boje, musze byc w dobrym headspace. Juz sam tytul mnie rozwala: The Foundations of Decay. Brzmi jak tytul fanfika. 

Juz sie nie moge doczekac wszystkich reakcji dzisiaj i wielkiego emoszenia na twitterze!

Nagle stalo sie to dla mnie mega realne, ze zobacze ich na zywo dwa razy w tym roku, i doslownie nie wiem co mam zrobic ze soba. Moje nastoletnie emo ja nigdy by nie uwierzylo w to, ze bede mieszkac w UK i zobacze swoj ulubiony zespol. To jest nadal takie dziwne, czuje ze nie moge w pelni sie tym cieszyc bo koncert byl przekladany juz tyle razy i boje sie ze znowu cos jebnie i bede sie jarac na marne. Moje biedne serce. 

Dan Howell tez powrocil, nature is healing.Kupilem sobie bilet na jego trase w Manchesterze.

Also znalazlem nowy super zespol, Deaf Havana, ktory brzmi jak midwest emo chociaz sa z UK.

ALSO widzialem dzisiaj filmik jak JLB trzyma teczowa flage i wysyla fanom buziaka reka :<. I'm so dead.

IM LITERALLY CRYING SCREAMING THROWIN UP

i cant believe that in year of our lord 2022, 10 years after they broke up, mcr decided to release a new song. everything about it is so perfect and so unreal. the title (that sounds like a name of a fanfic tbh), the date (friday 13th!!!!), the actual songs is so beautiful (the lyrics, guitars, breakdown, gee’s voice, the SCREAMS).

i genuinely have no idea what to do with myself, how will any song ever top this feeling of being able to hear new mcr material for the first time in almost a decade? how am i going to stop crying and just live life????

speaking of life im SO glad i didn’t kill myself as a teenager. the teenage me would never believe that he’d get to live to that day. it feels so surreal. all this time i was so heartbroken about never being able to see them live.

and the best part is, i will be seeing them so soon!  and hopefully hear that song too (imagine how amazing it will be live!!!) .

nothing has ever made me feel this way apart from mcr, and i doubt nothing ever will. someone on twiytter wrote that as they got older, they assumes that mcr only hit them that much because they were a teenager, and nothing in their life has ever hit them this way since then until today. honestly, i relate to this so much. it’s crazy just how much i’m FEELING right now. somehow, through the layers of jadedness, tiredness, general bitterness and medication, this song managed so cut through to the deepest part of my heart that i thought were lost. they weren’t lost, just dormant, and they’ve been awoken. i wonder if this is what neurotypical people feel more often, this over-encompassing FEELING, right down to your bones, that makes your chest hurt in the best way. i haven’t felt that since high school when i was obsessing over mcr and reading fanfics in class.

also another great part is the community, it’s what mcr has ALWAYS been about. suddenly all of the emos are waking up from hibernation, everyone is going through the same emotions and we’re all suddenly teenagers again. even people 10 years older or younger than me, it seems that with mcr age doesn’t even matter, they’ve bridged that gap between generations. all the friends who i lost touch with online are suddenly active. it’s so beautiful.

i hope this song imprints itself on me, i hope this feeling lasts for as long as possible, i hope i memorise the lyrics and take them with me forever. i want to hold on to it cause i don’t know if we’re ever getting more music from them. i want to savour just how much i’m feeling right now. all the angst, the happiness, the relief.

Koniec 2020

A więc niedługo nadchodzi koniec 2020.

Oof, ten rok był ciężki. Nie tylko dlatego, że świat ogarnęła pandemia wirusa, który efektywnie zniwelował jakiekolwiek plany (np. koncert MCR, który został przeniesiony na 2021 i mam nadzieję, że się odbędzie!), ale również z powodu urazu ręki, którego doznałem na wakacjach w Polsce.

Nadal nie wiem w sumie co mam o tym myśleć, chyba jeszcze nie ogarnąłem tego rozumem, że są rzeczy, których nie mogę zrobić tą ręką, że w gruncie rzeczy mam niepełnosprawność. Chciałbym wierzyć, że wszystko ma jakiś sens i że nic nie dzieje się przypadkiem, ale też nie wiem, czy takie myślenie mnie po prostu nie przeraża. W końcu doznałem tego urazu zaraz po wykonaniu czaru na przynależność do Polski. Wydaje mi się to dość poetyckie, że prosząc Boginię o przynależność do morza, to samo morze zabrało mi sprawność ręki i ma teraz w sobie moją krew. Być może chodzi o prawo give and take, być może aby dostać nową pracę i wszystkie inne dobre rzeczy w tym roku musiałem oddać coś, co jest dla mnie ważne. Mimo wszystko cieszę się, że nadal mam jakąkolwiek sprawność w tej ręce i że mogę nadal rysować, pisać i projektować na komputerze. Bałem się przez długi czas, że moja kariera legnie w gruzach. Chyba wciąż do końca tego nie przepracowałem w głowie, bo ostatnio wszystko mi się na nią zwaliło - nowa praca, goście w domu, święta, odejście z pracy, settlement itp. Chyba nauczyłem się chować i dusić wszystko w sobie i nawet nie ogarnąłem, że mam po prostu traumę, że moje ciało doznało silnego uszczerbku i będę musiał się w tym odnaleźć.

Mam nadzieję, że jakoś się nauczę z tym żyć w 2021, że to w sobie poukładam i przepracuję, a już jako minimum dostanę wreszcie fizjoterapię.

Ten rok był udany w kwestii finansów, bo udało mi się dostać zasiłek i znaleźć pracę w sklepie. Pod koniec roku dostałem też internship, który bardzo lubię i mam nadzieję, że tam zostanę! Ludzie w nim są dla mnie mega mili i wyrozumiali i mam wrażenie, że mogę im o wszystkim powiedzieć, łącznie z moimi problemami psychicznymi, bo oni sami się z nimi zmagają. Poza tym zauważyłem, że jestem teraz o wiele bardziej szczery i tę szczerość też dostaję w zamian. Niczego nienawidzę bardziej niż fejkowych korpo, które za plecami chcą cię zniszczyć i mam nadzieję, że to miejsce się takie nie okaże. Poza tym pracuję z wieloma ciekawymi ludźmi i z kobietami na stanowiskach seniorskich, co mnie cieszy. Wszyscy zdają się kochać moje pomysły i to co wnoszę i czuję, że autentycznie mnie słuchają, a nawet moja coach jest Wiccanką a moja managerka słucha rocka i ma kota :). A do tego wszyscy są OK i mega supportive w kwestii bycia trans! 

Boję się, że wszystko się spierdoli, ale wmawiam sobie, że to tylko moja anxiety chce mnie podburzyć.

Niedawno rzuciłem pracę w sklepie i mam nadzieję, że to będzie dobra decyzja. Nie mogę już am wytrzymać, nie tylko dlatego, że firma sama w sobie ma nas w dupie, ale też przez ból ręki, który wszyscy zdają się ignorować.

W 2021 chciałbym przede wszystkim znaleźć full time pracę, może zmienić mieszkanie, spędzić czas z rodziną i przyjaciółmi, żeby wirus w końcu przeszedł i żebym mógł chodzić na koncerty. Chciałbym także znów powrócić do czarostwa, bo ostatnio trochę je zaniedbałem. Może to dlatego, że miałem dość intensywny, busy okres i że w międzyczasie starałem się pracować nad sobą.

Kupiłem sobie mnóstwo journals i książek i mam nadzieję je przerobić w 2021.

Dziwne jest to, że wszystko co przewidział mój tarot w tym roku się spełniło, nawet uraz ręki, wybory, nowa praca itp! Na koniec roku zrobię nowy rozkład i zobaczę, co mi wyjdzie.

Jestem ogromnie wdzięczny za wszystko, co w tym roku otrzymałem - miłość rodziny, fajne święta, przyjaciół, dużo wolnego czasu, rozwój osobisty, powrót do starych zainteresowań, nową muzykę, nową pracę i wspaniałych ludzi.

Oby 2021 był jeszcze lepszy <3.

Trzymaj się, you're enough kid. Be kind to yourself. I'm proud of you.

5 lat w UK

A więc dziś mija 5 lat odkąd przeprowadziłem się do Anglii. W tym czasie tak wiele się zmieniło, nie wiem nawet, od czego zacząć.

Jestem teraz w o wiele lepszym miejscu niż w 2015 roku, przynajmniej mentalnie. Jestem out wśród rodziny i przyjaciół a w dodatku mam wspierające otoczenie - coś, o czym ja sprzed 5 lat nawet nie marzył. To niesamowite, że wreszcie mogę żyć jako ja, jestem na hormonach i generalnie jestem akceptowany, nawet przez babcię (z którą zresztą mam teraz super kontakt).

Kiedy pomyślę o tym, jak się czułem jeszcze 4 czy 5 lat temu robi mi się przykro, ale jednocześnie czuję poczucie dumy. Wiem, że moja droga do tego miejsca nie była łatwa. I być może wciąż nie jestem jeszcze tam, gdzie chciałbym być, ale moje zdrowie psychiczne i moja samoświadomość definitywnie się polepszyły.

5 lat temu byłem schowanym w szafie, przerażonym dzieciakiem, który musiał szybko dorosnąć i którego ta dorosłość przerastała. Miałem próbę samobójczą, zostałem porzucony przez M., nienawidziłem swojej pracy (w której zresztą miałem samych rasistów) i generalnie nie robiłem ze sobą nic oprócz picia co tydzień, złych nawyków i czucia się jak gówno.

4 lata temu zacząłem studia jako ostatnią deskę ratunku przed zgorzkniałością dorosłym światem i związanej z nim rutyną. Studia okazały się świetne, poznałem fajnych ludzi, choć wciąż nienawidziłem swojej pracy, byłem daleko od bycia na właściwych hormonach i lekach, a moje zdrowie psychiczne wciąż było kijowe. Do tego mieszkałem z fałszywymi ludźmi i wiele razy się na ludziach zawiodłem.

3 i 2 lata temu nadal byłem na studiach, a dziś jestem prawie rok po zakończeniu i choć wciąż jest średnio z finansami, czuję się o wiele lepiej sam ze sobą. Znalazłam swoją duchowość, rozwijam powoli swoją malutką działalność graficzną i generalnie cieszę się ze zmian, jakie przynosi HRT. Mieszkam z przyjaciółką i w sumie jest mi naprawdę ok.

Jeśli miałbym na coś narzekać to definitywnie na brak kontaktu z ludźmi z Polski, choć nie powiem, że się nie starałem i nie staram nadal. Polska jest obecnie w jeszcze większej dupie niż Anglia i serio nie wiem, jak kiedykolwiek mogłem tam żyć.

Anglia to iluzja i mit, jak już zresztą kiedyś pisałem, ale jednak doceniam fakt, że wciąż tutaj jestem.

A do M i wszystkich, którzy mówili mi, że nigdy nie będę nikim, że się poddam, że nie dam rady: hej. mam nadzieję, że udowodnię wam, że się myliliście.
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Kyle

witnessing apocalypse in my lifetime

jesteśmy w naprawdę dziwnych czasach. na świecie panuje masowa epidemia koronawirusa, który zabija tysiące osób. wszyscy są zmuszeni siedzieć w domach i odbywać kwarantannę. jeszcze parę miesięcy temu nikt nigdy nie spodziewał się takiego scenariusza, a dziś to już prawie norma. ludzie się dystansują, fizycznie i psychicznie. nigdy dotąd nie widziałem ludzi tak od siebie odsuniętych.

korporacje upadają, w sklepach puste półki, masowa panika a pod jej przykryciem rządy wciąż prowadzą wojny i wprowadzają nowe nieludzkie przepisy, bo nikt przecież nie wyjdzie na ulice z protestem.

z całej tej kwarantanny wnioskuję, że już nic nie będzie tak, jak dawniej. może to jest ten przysłowiowy moment, w którym zaczyna się nowa era ludzkości, coś się zmienia, coś umiera. coś się kończy, coś się zaczyna. światło i ciemność, dzień i noc, dobro i zło.

może to jest wreszcie Era Wodnika?

już teraz widać zmiany. ceny ropy spadły poniżej zera, bo nikt nie używa samochodów. korporacje bankrutują. ludzie są bez pracy. zamknięci w domach mężczyźni nagle odkrywają swoją kobiecą stronę i być może wreszcie wyrwą się z krępujących ich  patriarchatu i toksycznej męskości.

ludzie wciąż się jednoczą, wciąż próbują być dla siebie dobrzy, chyba nawet bardziej niż przedtem, jednak z drugiej strony to znów najbiedniejsi i najmniej uprzywilejowani członkowie społeczeństwa cierpią najbardziej.

cokolwiek się zdarzy wiem, że wszystko się zmieni. oby na lepsze. to będzie wyjątkowo samotne, gorące lato.







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tęsknię za domem bardziej niż kiedykolwiek przedtem; nie pomaga mi perspektywa tego, że zanim dozwolone będą loty i będę mieć wystarczająco pieniędzy minie dobre parę miesięcy.

cały czas marzę o jakieś wielkiej przygodzie - o założeniu zespołu, podróżowaniu, pojechaniu w trasę. cały czas mam w głowie ten wyidealizowany obraz życia i naiwnej, dziecięcej miłości, w której dwie osoby są dla siebie przeznaczone. wiem, że życie to nie film, a jednocześnie wciąż pragnę mieć filmowe przygody, emocje, wzloty i upadki. może to fikcja, którą cały czas czytam, a może niespełnione marzenia z dzieciństwa.

nigdy nie byłem sentymentalny, ba, nawet śmiałem się z sentymentalnych osób, które zamglonym wzrokiem patrzyły w przeszłość i chciały do niej powrócić. teraz jednak jest inaczej, nie do końca wiem dlaczego.

małe rzeczy takie jak kwitnąca za oknem magnolia przypominają mi o tym, jak długo już nie bylem w domu. jestem tutaj prawie od 5 lat. moja magnolia w polsce już wyrosła, mimo iż pamiętam, jak ją sadziliśmy z mamą; była taka malutka.


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w tym roku powróciłem do magii, Wicca i czarostwa. jest mi z tym bardzo dobrze i wiem, że mi to pomaga, choć wolę praktykować na moich własnych zasadach, bo im więcej czytam, tym więcej widzę restrykcji, zwłaszcza dla młodych Wiccanów.

czasem coś piszę, tworzę, gram w gry, odprawiam rytuały i staram się nie zwariować. w lutym minął rok, odkąd jestem na testosteronie. robię też projekty graficzne freelance, za co jestem ogromnie wdzięczny.

czekam na decyzję o zasiłku (nareszcie!)

generalnie nie jest najgorzej, choć czasem mam ataki paniki i depresji. może zwyczajnie mniej o wszystkim myślę. mam wrażenie, że dziwnym sposobem ta epidemia mi pomaga, bo pozbywa mnie odpowiedzialności za wszystko, co się dzieje, a z nią poczucie winy, że nie robię wystarczająco dużo, by sobie pomóc.

po tym wszystkim chcę zapisać się na terapię i zacząć porządnie ćwiczyć. mam dość swojej niskiej samooceny, pewności siebie i nieumiejętności znoszenia krytyki.

ostatnio jest naprawdę bardzo pięknie na dworze, aż nie pamiętam, kiedy ostatnio było tak gorąco i słonecznie w kwietniu. może to dlatego, że jak dotąd przez 3 lata kwiecień spędzałem na kończeniu projektów na studia i zupełnie nie widziałem nic poza tym. jestem też bliżej natury i zauważam jej zmiany, co pomaga mi być "in the moment".

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co nam pozostało
z dni deszczowych i gorących
co nam pozostało
z lat naiwnych i smutnych

siedzę i myślę
że nostalgia i wspomnienia
to tylko wymówka
od bycia tym kim chcę

i już nic nie cieszy mnie tak jak dawnej
nic już nie boli tak jak wtedy
nic już tak nie rozpala w brzuchu ognia
nie rozdziera na strzępy

siedzę i myślę
że nostalgia i wspomnienia
są dobre tylko w teorii
i w teorii nie ranią