I'm not all my mistakes - podsumowanie 2022

 Hey kiddo,

This year (2022) has been one hell of a ride. First of all, you finally got to see MCR live and not once but twice! And the concert in Warsaw truly did change your life, from meeting new people to renewing friendships with old friends. You also came back to Twitter and met some lovely people there. But you've been lonely in Manchester, so I hope in 2023 you manage to meet more IRL friends, maybe go back to volunteering or something? You met Kasia though, and that was awesome, though she did have a crush on you which made things a bit complicated (you managed to sort it out though). You got many new tattoos, heard a new MCR song, spent Xmas in Poland, went to Rome in April and worked full time with Bauer - how cool is that!? Lots of good things happened this year, but also a few sad moments, such as getting Covid :(. In positives, you had your first appointment with the surgeon for top surgery, so I hope in 2023 you'll get that off your chest finally ;). But first, you need to finish your apprenticeship.

I'm proud of you, of myself. This year was incredibly good, it feels like the best year in my entire life. I'm so happy that I managed to overcome all the shit in the past so that now I can have a semi-peaceful life. It's still not easy: there is a massive economic crisis, the prices are insane, energy is expensive, inflation is high. The war in Ukraine is still going and it feels like living through the end of the world. But I'm surviving. I'm existing in major historical events. I'm trying to smile and love in the age of great hate, extinction and despair.

Also, Marta contacted me and she wants to meet cause she broke up with her boyfriend and idk what to make of it. It's weird and confusing. I hope this situation clears up. Rue barely talks to me anymore and wants to move out, so maybe Kasia will live with me in 2023.

I hope in 2023 you find love and friendship, true friendship that will lift you up and make you feel less lonely. It's been so so lonely lately.

I hope MCR releases a new song or even an album, and that they tour again. I hope I get to see my Polish friends some more and go to gigs and carry on in my job. I hope I continue saving for the tiny house and developing myself as a person. I feel like I've come leaps and bounds in my personal growth, I understand myself and my emotions better each day. For example, it turns out I'm austistic and ADHD-who knew? XD I also hope to sign up for therapy and read more and meet new people and travel.

I love you kid. In case noody tells you this. I'm proud of how far we've come, that we didn't give up, that we are still here and becoming the man we always wanted to be.

Keep the faith, xoxo Kyle

MCR gig: The fucking shades will open and the sunlight will come in.

So I went to my first MCR gig on the 27.05.2022, and I don’t even know where to start describing how it felt. I don’t think I have enough words to properly say what this gig and this band mean to me.

The night before the gig I couldn’t sleep and someone was hosting a twitter ‘spaces’ about Unholyverse, so I decided to join and got talking with a few people. It was nice but very surreal, felt like a podcast about Frerard fanfiction, but with other people also talking. Kinda of like a group chat for strangers on twitter xD. In fact, this tour we got so much Frerard content and not the hate that we used to get before because even Gee and Frank joked about it and acknowledged it.

Before the gig, I was added to a group chat on twitter of other people going to the show and we were planning to meet up in the queue but we couldn’t all co-ordinate, so I felt quite sad that I would be there on my own. Then, on the train full of emos, I met Izzy and Katie and we randomly started talking. It was so nice, they both felt so familiar, like we’ve known each other for ages. That only ever happens to me with MCR fans, it’s like we have this instant connection and I can trust them and know that they will probably relate to a lot of my life. After all, MCR literally saved tons of people’s lives. So I joined them and we took an uber to the park and walked to the back of the queue. The queue was so strange – in the middle of the park, surrounded by bushes, grass and trees, a line of emos looking like they’re camping out on a day trip or something. A cute guy on the way told me I looked awesome (I was wearing a skeleton onesie, red tie and red eyeshadow + my hand-made denim jacket and the black over-the-shoulder bag from high-school lmao). It made my day. Then I fell into some bushes in the narrow path and I still have cuts from the thorns, classic. I joked that this is probably the most nature that us emos have had for a long time. We go outside one time but only to go see MCR XD.

Then we sat in the back of the queue and talked. The queue in front of us must have been around 400+ people cause we arrived at around 3.30pm. I wanted to go get a Monster can but decided not to cause the walk was quite far to the shop and we were apparently going to be let in at 4.30pm, so no point really. Then me and Katie talked about our catholic upbringing, coming out, pronouns, religion, trauma etc. It felt so strange to feel so close to someone I just met. Both Izzy and Katie had self-harm scars on their forearms, but I never got round to asking them about that. In the end, I didn’t manage to mee anyone from the twitter group chat in the queue but it was okay cause I wasn’t alone. Behind us, there were these 3 guys completely high on ket or something and acting crazy, yelling, being rowdy. I felt uneasy about them but Izzy was very tough and said she’d protect us XD. Then we were starting to move in and it went very smoothly, in just a few minutes we were inside.

The venue was literally just a grass meadow in the park, and it was set up for the upcoming festival so it had lots of food stalls, multiple bars and merch stands, and a few theme park rides XD. It felt like a mini Coachella and reminded me of Opener. We immediately queued up for the merch and I got the Castle t-shirt (it is an old design from around Revenge era I think, and it makes me so emotional, but I will write about it later). It was so awesome to see all these people, young and older, looking like they wanted to, swarming this park and poor old Warrington (which is a total shithole just as expected). I reckon the residents have never seen anything like that XD.

After we got merch we went to the porta-potties (which was quite an experience lol) and I got some water and we pretty much sprinted to the pit, which was already beginning to crowd up. We stood near the back of the crowd, with about 10 rows of people in front of us. It was fine for me, though I usually prefer standing on the sides but it was hard to get through people once we got in the crowd so we decided to stay. I went to get a Red Bull can and managed to come back.

The first support act were Crawlers, who I’d not heard of before but they were so good. Almost all female and the vocalist reminded me of Billie Eilish but with a voice of Hayley Williams. They were awesome. Around that time, we got sick of the dudes behind us – they were the ones from the queue. They were yelling and just being annoying, so when Crawlers finished we moved to the side a little bit and that’s where we met Nathan and Karl, two 19-year-old cishet guys who were really nice and not toxic at all. Nathan said he liked my trans flag which I was wearing like a cape. In fact, quite a few people came up to me to say they liked my flag or the way I looked, which felt so awesome. I saw some other people having gay, pan and trans flags in the crowd and it made me feel safe. I knew that most of the crowd were allies or queer people and just this freedom to be myself was great. Nathan seemed very supportive of me, kept saying how I should ‘do me’ and later on he also got a red eye-shadow from someone in the pit XD.

The next act were Starcrawler, and tbh they were fine but felt very much like a recycled version of Hole + the Pretty Reckless. The singer was this skinny blonde girl with dark eye-shadow and the stringy fringe covering half her face, and she was an ok singer but nothing spectacular. The band was dressed like a mix of grunge and Sex Pistols XD. She had a few moments where her nipple was visible but nobody made a thing out of it, not even the boys, and she had this ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude which was awesome. Apparently, they’re one of Gerard’s favourite bands lol.

On the playlist in-between support acts they were playing emo classics like FOB and Panic but also Vengaboys and Holding Absence, which was cool. The crowd overall seemed great apart from a few people pushing in front of us or starting a pit right where we were. I didn’t want to get into the mosh – I had a bag and my glasses and I was sore already xd. At one point, we looked back behind us and realised the entire venue was full, there were people literally all the way to the back gate! It was crazy cause we didn’t even notice that we weren’t at the back anymore. Someone in the pit blew up some condoms like balloons and they floated around. Some other people also had the Gerardboard (a cardboard cut-out of Gerard).

Then Frank Turner came on and he sounded like a punk-rock Elvis, similar to the Homeless Gospel Choir. It was very much ‘middle aged white dads playing punk’ and he even had a song about not growing up, of course. They were good and very interactive with the audience, they had banter but the music didn’t really grab me as much as Crawlers. I guess it’s hard to compete with MCR. At that point people kind of squeezed to the front more but also more guys were pushing in front of us for the mosh. This one dude even crowdsurfed and we were all angry about it cause apparently he was vomiting while crowd surfing :/ I had heard stories of people throwing up or even peeing in the pit, gross. But anyway Frank Turner finished and then the wait began. After a while, people started chanting ‘MCR’ and ‘Fuck the Tories’ XD. And then the audio came on for like 5 minutes, this weird, distorted buzz, and then MCR came on stage.

Everyone immediately sang The Foundations of Decay and I was just in disbelief of how good the band looked and sounded. Gee wasn’t wearing any crazy outfits, just a pair of jeans and a jacket, but he looked so good and happy. They all looked so damn happy!

Gee kept calling us Manchester, before the crowd chanted Warrington and he was like ‘Who even knows about Warrington, Manchester is right there! I even wrote it on the drum…’ and he did, he wrote I <3 MCR on the kick drum. I feel like it made sense since in the States, you’d probably call a town LA or New York, even if it’s miles away, for convenience.

Then they played NaNaNa and the crowd went crazy, it was great. A few songs later they played ‘The only hope for me is you’ and that’s where I cried for the first time. Before this song, I was just screaming and laughing, but then this one hit me because I thought of Marta and the fanfics I used to write based on this song, and how we both listened to Danger Days and now we barely speak anymore. It just felt so strange, I felt happy but like someone or something was missing.

Gee looked so happy, he was smiling all the time, he even got a hug from Ray which was so cute, and he went on these little rambles about having a mic with a cable, or that they went shopping for clothes XD. Gee said he remembers that their first headlining gig in the UK was in the Day and Night café in Manchester, which still exists now and is great. He said that only a few people in the States ‘got them’ as a band, but in the UK people just got them and that he owes a lot to the UK. As an ‘adoptive’ Mancunian this made me so happy. He also said that this tour is the first one where they genuinely just have fun, and each concert is better than the last one, and it was just so cute. It was all that I could have hoped for, but nothing that I imagined. I can’t explain it. Part of me will still miss the old NJ vibe back when they were just some local band playing in shady small bars, even though I never got to experience it. Somehow, I just have this close connection to that time. On the other hand, though, seeing them so happy, just vibing like a few friends on stage, and still sounding so great – this is honestly more than I could ever wish for, so maybe it makes sense that I’m only seeing them now, maybe it was meant to be this way.

Gee was talking a lot about random things like having a mic with a cable and how it's a trip hazard, and he had his notebook (to write playlist in? Idk) On WTTBP everyone sang so loudly and beautifully, I felt like I was part of something so special and bigger than any of us alone. 25 thousand kids singing out these words from the heart, sending them to the universe, connected like one heartbeat. It was so majestic.

Then Teenagers came on and Gee said he dedicated it to Bandit whose 13^th birthday it was. At some point during the set, the black curtain in the back fell down revealing a set that looked like a dilapidated city, with a broken car and also balloons on either side (probably because of Bandit lol).

I cried again during Summertime, again because of missing Marta and my high school years. I was just thinking about how much everything has changed and obviously I’m happy I’m not in Poland anymore, but it just feels so crazy and surreal.

We met another person in the crowd called Emma and she lost her friend so she held up a photo of her, which was very sweet. Emma said she had seen MCR a few times, including around the Revenge era, so jealous! Emma also comforted me and I comforted her during the show. Helena and Mama were so epic, everyone sang and it felt so special. Then S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W came on and I cried again. I looked up at the sky: the sun setting, the clouds dispersing and planes flying high, and I thought of my childhood and teenage years and all the people I’ve lot along the way. It felt so surreal: on one hand I was seeing my favourite band after all these years, but on the other I still felt lonely, like nothing has changed, even though I’ve managed to escape my shitty hometown. Emma, Izzy and Katie were all checking if I was okay, and I was, but I was just crying out of the pure shock and nostalgia combined.

Before Famous Last Words, Gee did a speech about how they’re so happy to be a band again, and that for the first time ever they are just happy to play on stage, they don’t have to worry about impressing people or sounding perfect. He also said that before, he used to hate hotels, he would sit in the dark cold hotel room and miss his family and be miserable but not on this tour, and he actually opened the blinds to let the sun in. He said ‘and the fucking shades will open and the sunlight will come in’ and it stuck with me, I think I want a tattoo of it.

They played Cancer and I was just stood there in awe of Gerard who looked so angelic. The last song was I’m Not Okay and people went crazy again, singing at the top of their lungs. I took cool photos of the sunset and Gee on the LCD screen.

So many people came up to me to say they liked my trans flag, and I even saw a few other trans flags and a pan flag, and it felt so awesome to just be myself and be not only accepted but celebrated. I honestly loved the crowd, although there were some dicks who pushed and were overall buzz killers. I also heard after the gig that some people were fucking pissing in the pit!??? Gross. No wonder I don’t do festivals.

After the gig, we all headed out of the park and it looked like an actual Black Parade: tonnes of emos walking down a dual carriageway at night, it was a sight to see. Also there was the smell of cut grass in the air and it felt very whimsical, like a dream sequence. We were all complaining how achey we were, literally all the fans I’ve spoken to have had back/joints problems, or are chronically ill. What a mood. Actually, I remember that a few of the support acts and then Gee himself have mentioned stuff like ‘if you are physically able to then jump’ so it felt so good that disabled/chronically ill people were recognised.

Also, Nathan got so happy when I managed to get back to them (I had to go get some water) and then he held my hand??? And then when we were saying goodbye he hugged me? It was so cute. I like to think I gayed him up a little bit XDDD. We were just walking together but then I had to go to the station and my group went the other way. And this is where the shit show began. The transport was fucking horrible, fucking shitty small towns. The first train I managed to get to was already full cause it only had 2 carriages, are you kidding me? And I paid for the ticket too :/. So they told us to go to the other train station to get the other train, so I did but then they said that train was full too and that there would be replacement coaches arriving. So we stood there waiting, but then they said they found some space on the train so we all sprinted to it. It was absolutely packed but somehow I made it on. I got home about 1.30am and tweeted for a bit cause I couldn’t sleep, my ears were ringing and my heart was pounding. I managed to get Katie’s number before so I texted her and she texted back which was nice.

On Saturday, I looked at the t-shirt I got: the old Castle design saying ‘My Chemical Romance, Newark, NJ, est 2002’ and I started sobbing. The fact that this band from New Jersey, a place I've never been to, who started out in some shitty bars, and got ridiculed by the media, feels so close to me, like I've somehow lived that story. In a way, I did. It’s so hard to explain but I feel like these daydreams I have of seeing them perform during the Bullets/Revenge era are literally like memories to me. I wish I was born 10 years earlier, just so that I would experience these times as a teenager. Maybe it’s all the fanfics mixed with nostalgia but Newark feels so close to me and it makes me feel weird, conflicting emotions. Maybe it’s the fact that they, like me, started out in a shitty town and escaped. Saturday was pretty much a write-off day for me, I just felt like the last month just collapsed on me: all the tiredness, insomnia, overworking. Also my voice was gone like halfway through the gig and I couldn’t even speak much after.

It's been so great lately to be active on twitter again and have a community, lots of new people followed me and we all just chat about the shows. It’s so much better than seeing the transphobia or horrible world news and I even signed back in to tumblr again. I feel like a teenager again, re-living the experiences I should have had when I was young.

So many people now are tweeting about Frerard and even Gee and Frank acknowledged it and made fun of it and it just feels surreal cause a few years ago we were being bullied and hated for shipping frerard. I think it has a lot to do with the fans being a bit older now but also the internet culture is more sarcastic and meme-y. there are so many shitposts and R18 takes about this tour, it’s hilarious. The Manchester Evening News even wrote about the gig, which is funny cause a few years ago the press was all saying how we are satanists or a crazy cult XD.

But I’m also scared. The post-concert depression kicked in super fast, the entire Saturday I was just napping, crying and eating cause I was so physically sore and mentally drained. It felt like a religious, life-changing experience, and it was. But now what? I keep thinking that I’m only holding on to the next show in Warsaw, but after that: what do I hold on to? What do I dream of? How am I supposed to live now that my biggest dream has come true? I thought I’d somehow feel different, happier, but the afterglow of the show gave way to heart-wrenching longing. I miss them so fucking much already, I really wanna cry.

It feels strange now to just go back to the mundane, to work and all the other stuff, how am I supposed to after such an experience? I feel like I would probably just ditch anything and follow this band anywhere if I had the chance. It’s also hard to process that they are still the same people, the same emo boys from LOTMS and Bullets era, and I got to see them.

The one worry that I had was that seeing them now, as opposed to the more theatrical eras, was somehow going to be slightly disappointing, but it was anything but. I truly loved seeing them all so casual, happy and talkative, and I didn’t care that they weren’t putting on a theatrical show. Gee was so interactive and funny and weird, I loved to see that.

Seeing MCR tomorrow!!!

Dear Frank, Ray, Mikey and Gerard.

Thank you for saving my life.

I know you probably hear it so often that it might not mean much anymore.

But I just want you to know how happy I am to still be alive now, at 25 years old, and to be able to see you live for the first time.

When I was a teenager, I couldn’t have imagined all the crazy, beautiful, sad, heart-breaking, wonderful things that my future would bring. The friends I made and lost along the way, and the fact that I could transition and live life as my authentic self.

I just didn’t think any of this was possible, and I nearly gave up on my life and myself.

So from the bottom of my emo little heart, thank you. You gave me a reason to fight for myself, to make something of myself, and you gave me the community of misfits that somehow belong together. You have me hope and strength when I needed it the most, when I had no one else around me.

My Chemical Romance has always been more than a band, and I can’t put it into words how happy I am that you’re back. After so many years of bullying, depression, family trauma and thinking I’d never escape my dead-end town, I’m finally here: better than ever, and able to make my biggest dream come true.

But I won’t lie to you, I’m scared. I found that some dreams are the best when they remain out of reach. The teenage me thought he had no future, and so he never dared to dream. Now, dreams are the thing that helps me build my future, they’re the hope that keeps me going.

So when I get to see you perform tomorrow - what then? Will I be able to find another unrealistic, grandiose thing to hold on to? Will I feel happy or disappointed? I’m scared because my heart is still fragile, and I know that everything changes, and maybe I’m just going to have to keep looking for that thing that makes me feel like I’m finally complete. Even though I know it doesn’t exist.

There’s so many unknowns right now, and the world is a terrifying place. In a way, I made my peace with it, and with this constant struggle called life. My Chemical Romance has always been there for me, and it taught me how to turn my suffering into strength.

Love forever,

K.

 

26/05/2022 - one day before the concert in Warrington UK

MCR RELEASED A NEW SONG!

Nie wierze, ze wlasnie to pisze ale My Chemical Romance wypuscili nowa piosenke pierwszy raz od ich rozpadu w 2012...w piatek trzynastego. Kompletnie bez zadnych zapowiedzi.

Mialem tak chujowy nastroj ostatnio. W pracy jest zapierdol i do tego mam problemy ze zdrowiem (cos z watroba jest nie tak). A tu nagle taka informacja.

Nawet jeszcze nie odsluchalem tej piosenki. Troche sie boje, musze byc w dobrym headspace. Juz sam tytul mnie rozwala: The Foundations of Decay. Brzmi jak tytul fanfika. 

Juz sie nie moge doczekac wszystkich reakcji dzisiaj i wielkiego emoszenia na twitterze!

Nagle stalo sie to dla mnie mega realne, ze zobacze ich na zywo dwa razy w tym roku, i doslownie nie wiem co mam zrobic ze soba. Moje nastoletnie emo ja nigdy by nie uwierzylo w to, ze bede mieszkac w UK i zobacze swoj ulubiony zespol. To jest nadal takie dziwne, czuje ze nie moge w pelni sie tym cieszyc bo koncert byl przekladany juz tyle razy i boje sie ze znowu cos jebnie i bede sie jarac na marne. Moje biedne serce. 

Dan Howell tez powrocil, nature is healing.Kupilem sobie bilet na jego trase w Manchesterze.

Also znalazlem nowy super zespol, Deaf Havana, ktory brzmi jak midwest emo chociaz sa z UK.

ALSO widzialem dzisiaj filmik jak JLB trzyma teczowa flage i wysyla fanom buziaka reka :<. I'm so dead.

IM LITERALLY CRYING SCREAMING THROWIN UP

i cant believe that in year of our lord 2022, 10 years after they broke up, mcr decided to release a new song. everything about it is so perfect and so unreal. the title (that sounds like a name of a fanfic tbh), the date (friday 13th!!!!), the actual songs is so beautiful (the lyrics, guitars, breakdown, gee’s voice, the SCREAMS).

i genuinely have no idea what to do with myself, how will any song ever top this feeling of being able to hear new mcr material for the first time in almost a decade? how am i going to stop crying and just live life????

speaking of life im SO glad i didn’t kill myself as a teenager. the teenage me would never believe that he’d get to live to that day. it feels so surreal. all this time i was so heartbroken about never being able to see them live.

and the best part is, i will be seeing them so soon!  and hopefully hear that song too (imagine how amazing it will be live!!!) .

nothing has ever made me feel this way apart from mcr, and i doubt nothing ever will. someone on twiytter wrote that as they got older, they assumes that mcr only hit them that much because they were a teenager, and nothing in their life has ever hit them this way since then until today. honestly, i relate to this so much. it’s crazy just how much i’m FEELING right now. somehow, through the layers of jadedness, tiredness, general bitterness and medication, this song managed so cut through to the deepest part of my heart that i thought were lost. they weren’t lost, just dormant, and they’ve been awoken. i wonder if this is what neurotypical people feel more often, this over-encompassing FEELING, right down to your bones, that makes your chest hurt in the best way. i haven’t felt that since high school when i was obsessing over mcr and reading fanfics in class.

also another great part is the community, it’s what mcr has ALWAYS been about. suddenly all of the emos are waking up from hibernation, everyone is going through the same emotions and we’re all suddenly teenagers again. even people 10 years older or younger than me, it seems that with mcr age doesn’t even matter, they’ve bridged that gap between generations. all the friends who i lost touch with online are suddenly active. it’s so beautiful.

i hope this song imprints itself on me, i hope this feeling lasts for as long as possible, i hope i memorise the lyrics and take them with me forever. i want to hold on to it cause i don’t know if we’re ever getting more music from them. i want to savour just how much i’m feeling right now. all the angst, the happiness, the relief.