2025

 

this year has honestly been so shit. i started it feeling super suicidal and ended it feeling suicidal too lol. work was fine, sure, and i’m proud of that ive achieved there, but everything else sucked. i’m still in England, still holding on to the thought that maybe i will move to spain next year but it keeps dragging on and slipping away from me (work changes etc). so apart from work i’ve not really achieved much this year. the nice thing at work was being approached by a young queer girl who told me she’s grateful that i am so openly queer at work, which was nice and the whole reason why i do it.

i did a social experiment and went on dating apps only to realise that gay men are also trash and dating apps are fundamentally not built for autistic people, or maybe just people like me. in a way i already knew that but now i even have empirical evidence. so yeah, i will probably stay single for a long fucking time, and i’m starting to accept it. f1 and fanfiction have honestly been carrying me since the start of autumn, without that hyperfixation i would feel even more suicidal and awful, at least my delusion keeps me alive lol. i even came back to writing a bit of fanfic after so many years, but i feel super rusty with my writing skills.

i travelled a bit this year, been to hamburg 6 times for work (once for a photoshoot), and went to Tenerife in november for my birthday (29^th…..). i really didn’t feel like throwing a party or anything so i just escaped lol. it was too much, too much pressure on me to figure out what everybody wants to do and to hang out with work people that i don’t even really want to hang out with. so yeah, no, instead i swam in the sea and that was awesome.

i’ve once again neglected my hobbies like reading, macrame, art, or swimming. i am just barely getting by, the world is shit right now and even at work i’m starting to feel bitter (because of work’s stupid politics). im tired, so so tired of everything that’s going on. the world is spiralling into fascism and an ecological disaster and i’m powerless to do anything.

also this year grandma Helena died and i didn’t even go to the funeral.

i really feel like if i don’t move or change something in my life in 2026 i will be so fucking depressed again. i don’t want to live like this anymore.